Called to Be Wild
by Wensleydale Cheddar
Summary: South Park Aargh - Episode 916. When Sparky has gone missing, Stan is devastated. Sharon tries to cheer him up by buying another dog and Randy wants to understand dogs' nature. Stan sets off for an epic journey with some random kids. Meanwhile, Jimbo's gun licence gets confiscated. His life loses its meaning until Wendy finds him a new hobby. Rated T for the Horde.
1. Sparky Barks

_**Hey guys, Wensleydale here! Welcome to another edition of South Park Aargh, where from a Cartman episode we jump to a Stan one. I hope you liked what I've been doing so far and as always thanks for all your reviews of previous episodes. Visit the SPA Zetaboards forum if you'd like to find the directory for all the fics (SPA releases every Monday). Be sure to take a look at my deviantART to read SPA's spin-off webcomic, 50 Lampshades of Craig (releases every Tuesday and Thursday). While you're at it, pay a visit to my Youtube channel where you can watch Pip Plays WoW which actually takes place in the same headcanon (releases every Friday). Also, you can follow me on Patreon. All the links you can find on my profile here.**_

_**Whew. That's a lot of link-pitching. For now, enjoy the new episode!**_

* * *

><p><em>[It is late morning. The instrumental version of Mountain Town from SP:BLU starts playing in the background. The episode begins with a front view of the Marsh residence which immediately cuts inside, to the staircase, where we see Sparky sleeping in his basket. He quickly wakes up, wiggles his tail and runs upstairs, where we see him trying to get into Stan's room. He scratches the door and barks. Stan promptly opens the door]<em>

**STAN**: ...What do you want, Sparky?

_[Sparky barks]_

**STAN**: _[after a moment of silence, tired] _...I'm gonna go to sleep now, okay?

_[Sparky barks twice. Stan slams the door, apparently realising how ridiculous having a dialogue exchange with your own dog must look like. Sparky barks again and runs to Shelly, who is about to enter the bathroom upstairs. And runs to Shelly, who is about to enter the bathroom upstairs]_

**SHELLY**: Don't bother me, turd!

_[Sparky barks]_

**SHELLY**: I shaid, go away, turd!

_[Sparky squeals and runs away from her. We cut to the dining room where we see Sharon doing the accounts. The dog runs up to her and barks]_

**SHARON**: Oh, Sparky, uh... Your food is in the kitchen.

_[He barks again]_

**SHARON**: Right here, in the kitchen! I'm busy right now, shoo!

**RANDY**: Hey, Sharon, Sharon! Maybe he doesn't want to eat, maybe he wants to go walkies?

**SHARON**: Then why did he come here? Stan always takes him.

**RANDY**: Don't question me, Sharon! I understand dogs better than you do!

_[Sparky barks. Sharon sighs, exasperated]_

**SHARON**: Fine, Randy, why don't you take him, then?

**RANDY**: I can't! I've got stuff to do, gawd!

**SHARON**: Then ask Stan to take him.

_[Sparky barks. Randy seems to be thinking about something else]_

**RANDY**: Stan? Oh, right. Staaan? Staaaan!

**STAN**: _[coming downstairs] _…What?

**RANDY**: Stan, do you wanna go walkies?

_[There is a moment of silence. Stan raises an eyebrow]_

**STAN**: …What?

**SHARON**: He means with Sparky. _[Sparky barks]_

**STAN**: Oh. No, I can't , the guys will be coming over any minute. We're going… _[The doorbell rings] _Oh, that's probably them.

_[He approaches the door and opens it, Sparky following him. Outside, we see Cartman, Kyle, Kenny and Butters. They come inside]_

**STAN**: Oh, hey, guys.

_[Sparky runs around, barks and hops excitedly]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, hey, Stan! All ready and set?

_[Sparky continues to bark at the five boys]_

**KENNY**: (Dude, what the fuck's wrong with your dog?)

**STAN**: I don't know. He's been like this all morning.

**CARTMAN**: Maybe he has sand in his vagina, like Kahl.

**KYLE**: Goddamnit, Cartman, I do not have sand in my vagina!

**RANDY**: I'm telling you boys, he wants to go walkies! Why doesn't anyone listen to me?

_[Sparky barks]_

**CARTMAN**: Cause you're a fuckin' dumbass, that's why.

**STAN**: All right, guys, let's go before they close the goddamn thing.

_[The boys leave Stan's house. We see Sparky running after them. He stops and stares at his master and his friends run off. He lies down with a sad look on his muzzle. Suddenly, a bearded Asian man with a furry cap on grabs the surprised Sparky, throws him in a sack and drags him offscreen]_

* * *

><p>[SPA's new opening, Our Mountain Town, starts]<p>

**KYLE**:  
><em>It seems today,<em>_  
><em>_That all you see,__  
><em>_Is greenhouse effect __  
><em>_And the global warming..._

**CARTMAN**:  
><em>The world is full of<em>_  
><em>_Lazy hippies!_

**STAN, BUTTERS, FIONA AND KENNY**:  
><em>Sometimes you just want to drown!<em>

**EVERYONE**:  
><em>Lucky there's our mountain town!<em>_  
><em>_Lucky there's our pissant,_  
><em>Quiet, little-<em>

**KENNY**:  
><em>(Kickass!)<em>

**EVERYONE**:  
><em>Place in which we can all<em>

**STAN**:  
><em>Laugh and frown...<em>

**EVERYONE**:  
><em>It's! Our! Moun-tain! Tooooown!<em>

_**[South Park Aargh – Episode 916. Called To Be Wild]**_

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to the five boys walking out of J-mart to Cartman's house. Eric is holding a brand new game console in his hand]<em>

**CARTMAN**: Oh, my God, it's going to be so sweet, you guys! Ten hours straight of Mario-kart! We'll unlock all the characters and I'm gonna beat your sorry asses just like that!

**KYLE**: You wish! I've been practicing for this day for months, fatass!

**CARTMAN**: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot Jews were geeks who have no life except for video games, Kahl!

**STAN**: Dude, Cartman, weren't you just talking about playing with it ten-hours straight? What does that make you if not a geek?

**KENNY**: (An impotent.)

**BUTTERS**: Uh, what's an "im-patent", Kenny?

**STAN**: Shut up, Butters.

_[The boys suddenly stop, hearing voices outside Jimbos's Guns. They approach the store and see police vehicles around the building]_

**STAN**: Oh, God… What's going on now?

_[After a closer look, we can see Jimbo practically in tears, pleading before Sgt. Harrison Yates while other policemen confiscate his guns]_

**JIMBO**: Please, sarge! You can't do this! Huntin' is my whole life!

**YATES**: I'm sorry, Mr. Kern, but your gun licence will have to be confiscated. We had too many complaints about South Park's animal population dying out an you seem to be the main cause.

**JIMBO**: But we were just thinnin' out their numbers!

**YATES**: Mr. Kern, the numbers have already been thinned out. The authorities are even thinking of turning this place into a reservation thanks to you.

**JIMBO**: Reservation shmeservation! I want my license back!

**YATES**: _[pats him on the shoulder] _I'm sorry, Jimbo. There's nothing we can do.

_[Yates drives off along with the rest of the policemen. We cut back to the boys, now joint by Wendy and Bebe]_

**WENDY**: Finally they made this maniac stop murdering animals! _[with a satisfied look] _I thought this day would never come…

**KENNY**: (Hey! That's my honorary uncle you're talking about!)

**STAN**: _[frowns] _What are you doing here, Wendy?

**WENDY**: _[returns the frown] _Oh, what, no I can't be in the same town that you're in?

**CARTMAN**: Oooh, look, you guys, the hippie couple is having a fight! How cute…

**STAN**: Why do you think closing down my uncle's shop is a good thing?

**WENDY**: Why do you think it's not? You used to care about the environment!

**BEBE**: Guns are stupid, anyway.

**KENNY**: _[getting on a soapbox] _(Are not! Guns are the epitome of a man's life!)

**CARTMAN**: You tell her, Kinny! You tell that bitch!

**WENDY**: Fuck off, Cartman! Anyway, Stan, it's not the time for arguing. Your uncle is upset. Shouldn't you try to comfort him?

_[We cut to Jimbo crying on the doorstep. Having cut back to the children, Stan pinches the bridge of his nose]_

**STAN**: You know what? I don't care. I was going to play Mariokart and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. _[Walks away along with Kyle, Cartman and Butters]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yeah, s-see you, Bebe, Wendy!

**BEBE**: _[irritated] _God, Stan, you're so insensitive! No wonder Wendy broke up with you!

_[The girls walk away in the other direction. Kenny, left alone, sighs and approaches Jimbo]_

**KENNY**: (Uh… Uncle Jimbo?)

**JIMBO**: You saw everythin', didn't you, Kenny? I'm sorry you had to see a grown man cry, but… I just don't know what to do! Without huntin', there just ain't anythin' for me to do!

**KENNY**: (Dude, calm the fuck down…)

**JIMBO**: No, I will not calm down! D'you have any idea how it feels when a part of you is dead?

_[Kenny glares at him]_

**KENNY**: (Uncle Jimbo, I know how it feels when all my parts are dead, but that's beside the point. Why don't you get some rest and we'll talk about it in the morning, huh?)

* * *

><p><em>[The Marsh residence, evening. We see Stan entering through the front door. His parents are waiting for him in the living room with serious faces]<em>

**STAN**: _[after a moment of silence]_ …Can I help you?

**RANDY**: Sit down, son. We need to have a talk.

_[The three Marshes sit down on the couch]_

**STAN**: Oh… Kay… Now, before you say anything, Mariokart is a perfectly educational game that boosts the player's reflexes and I can only benefit from playing it.

**SHARON**: It's not that, Stanley. I'm afraid Sparky is missing.

_[Stan's eyes widen in shock]_

**STAN**: What?!

**RANDY**: It's true, Stan. It seems he ran after you this morning and never came back.

**STAN**: Wait, how is that possible? Sparky is our fuh-f-friend!

**RANDY**: Now I'm not pointing fingers, Stanley, but I'm afraid it's because you didn't want to go walkies with him, Stan.

_[Sharon glares at her husband]_

**SHARON**: Randy, how could you possibly know that's the reason for his escape?

**RANDY**: Oh, yeah, Sharon, maybe the reason is because you didn't feed him enough!

**STAN**: Stop arguing, you guys! It doesn't matter whose fault this is, we have to find him!

_[Stan's parents exchange glances]_

**SHARON**: Um… Stanley, Sparky might be gone somewhere very far away. It's even possible he's in a better place now.

**RANDY**: Yes, Stan, it's possible that he's going walkies with St. Peter now.

_[Sharon and Stan glare briefly at Randy, then choose to ignore him]_

**STAN**: So you're telling me to just give up on Sparky?

**SHARON**: That's just the way it is, Stanley. Sometimes you just have to take a big left turn.

**STAN**: _[after a moment of silence] _You know why Sparky left? It's because you always took him for granted! I don't care what you say, I'm going to make some wanted posters!

_[He angrily runs upstairs]_

**RANDY**: _[in disbelief] _You see what a hypocrite our son has become? We took Sparky for granted? He's the one who didn't take him to go walkies!

**SHARON**: _[angrily] _Oh, will you stop it with that? How do you know he wanted to go walkies?! You know neither what dogs want or how they feel!

**RANDY**: _[after a while, scratching his chin] _…You're right, I don't… Unless… I can prove it scientifically.

* * *

><p><em>[The Marshes' backyard. We see Randy coming out of Sparky's kennel on his hands and knees. He seems to be chained from his neck to the wooden structure. While he runs around in the same position, Stan comes out through the back door and stares at his father, unfazed]<em>

**RANDY**: Woof! Oh, hey, Stan! I decided to find Sparky for ya! I'm here because if you want to find a dog, you have to think like a dog!

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**RANDY**: This will help me track him down, but remember, Stan, I'm only doing this if you promise to go walkies with him regularly.

_[Another pause. Stan just stares at his dad]_

**RANDY**: …Hey, Stan, could you grab me a beer and pour it into my bowl?

_[Stan walks away with an expressionless face]_

**RANDY**: _[after a pause] _…St-stan?

* * *

><p><em><strong>This is probably the first chapter I established all the subplots without using a bloody song. Other than that, not much to say about this one, except for the fact that it was originally going to be the season premiere and 916 was supposed to be a Fiona episode. I wasn't sure how to handle that particular one and thought it might be too ambitious for my current skill, so I instead went with the Lola idea. I haven't had much as much experience with the Marsh family as a whole as, let's say, Nosebridgepinch or John, but writing this fic went smoothly up to a point.<strong>_

_**I haven't had much gaming experience and I don't know when Mariokart was actually created (probably after season 9, though), but I don't wanna change it since it's one of the few console games I've ever played.**_

_**Sad news, unfortunately, I decided to quit the review portion. There's really no point of doing this when most of my chapters are already content-packed and I have more and more to say in the A/Ns. However, me and my friends might just be preparing something for next year that you might like instead! I'll also most likely quit Pip Plays WoW, since with my lack of skill it'd require a LOT of editing and I just haven't got time for it.**_

_**To pile up the bad news, starting from next Monday, SPA is on hiatus. Most likely few weeks, but I need to focus on my exams and have to give a few ideas some thought. I promise I'll come back soon and instead shorten the seasonal break.**_

_**Anyway, thanks for reading and all the feedback, and as always, please leave reviews.**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_

_**PS: Have you already seen John's SPU update on YWBHIE? Check it out! I should have it in my favourites.**_


	2. Jimbo the Hippie

_**Hey, guys, Wensleydale here. Sorry for the prolonged break, fortunately the exams are over and I can now concentrate on what's really important in life - writing fanfiction! Thanks for all your reviews, I hope you'll like what's coming next for Stan, Sparky, Jimbo and Randy... Whoa, this episode is kind of a sausage fest, isn't it? Aaaanyway, response portion!**_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** Rhi Rhi: Oh, hell yeah. One Piece is making me more of an action writer every day… But seriously, I recommend One Piece. The best mainstream manga out there. Also, totally unrelated, but I love how you abbreviate my nickname: "WCD". I guess I'm Wensleycale Deddar now, you guys! …"Deddar" sounds like some sort of a hippie dwarf…**_

_** Coyote: You talk to your dog? Haven't tried going as far as Randy to understand him, have you? I know "Kidpanning" is a misspelling, but it sounds awesome, I'm totally making that a fantasy character's surname in a larp or something! Phew, thanks for that Mariokart trivia, now I can continue living the lie that my headcanon makes sense!**_

_** Demonlord5000: Huh… So now the question remains, how do you make money out of a gay dog?**_

_** The QAS: What? I heard of midterms before the winter break, but AFTER? It defeats the purpose of a winter break, as if anyone would want to study during it! Ridiculous. Oh, thanks, I was worried I kinda underplayed him back in "People Spouting Howdy Neighbour" so hearing he's fine here is a great relief to me.**_

_** Nicky: Weeell, kinda, but only if the episodes were 2,5 hours long… And took their sweet time establishing the plot in endless group scenes, consequently delivering an unsatisfying conclusion… In all seriousness, great to have you here and I'm glad you like it. Pity you came in right at the time when I announced a hiatus, but I hope you come back sometime!**_

_** ConnietheShaymin: You have Shaymin in your avatar. This, my friend, is awesome.**_

_** IHMSSM: Naw, he can't be eaten, we see him later, in quite a prominent role in Stick of Truth if you ask me! You know, Mexicans would probably be the best option, except there aren't quite as many of them here in Poland… I guess Belarusians might be the next-best? Come to think of it, you have a lot of Mexicans in Oireland?**_

_** Kansas: You won't be disappointed, as far as the girls are concerned. They will appear, I mean. I can't speak for the quality, I can still fuck this up!**_

_** John: Hah, give everyone a voice! It's funny, because Ned's got a voicebox… Oh, God, I could imagine that drawing… Wouldn't top your Lorde pic, though. Yah yah yah.**_

_**God, such a long A/N. And a short chapter at that. It's difficult to find scenes to end the chapter with, really. Sorry about that. Enjoy it!**_

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Kyle's house. He and Cartman are playing Mariokart in the living room]<em>

**CARTMAN**: _[thrusting his console] _Aw, god-dammit! _[pause] _...Sweet... _[pause] _God-dammit! _[pause] _...Sweet...

_[Kyle begins to glare. As Cartman goes on like this, Kyle grits his teeth in frustration]_

**CARTMAN**: God-dammit! ...Sweet... Godda-

**KYLE**: _[closes his eyes in a rage and throws his console on the floor] _Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!

**CARTMAN**: _[snickers] _Now, Kahl, if I were you, I wouldn't be so high and mighty right now. My, my, twelfth place again? Are you feeling well, or are you suffering from kosher cold?

**KYLE**: You know perfectly well I'm losing because you keep distracting me with your idiocies!

_[Stan enters through the front door]_

**STAN**: Hey, dudes.

**CARTMAN**: Ah, Stan, could you tell this Jew here that he's a sore loser?

**STAN**: No, no, no, I haven't got time for this. Look, you guys, Sparky's run away and I don't know where. Could you guys help me find him?

**CARTMAN**: As if we cared about your stupid gay dog!

**STAN**: Dude, if it were your cat, I'd help you!

**CARTMAN**: Cats don't run away, hippie! You should know that!

**KYLE**: Stan, maybe Cartman's right. You can always get a new dog, what's the big deal?

**STAN**: Dude! I'd expect this kind of crap from Cartman, but you? If it were your brother who had run away, I'd help you, not tell you you can just get a new one!

**KYLE**: My brother is not a pet!

**CARTMAN**: Okay, let me get this clear. _[Hops down from the couch and faces Stan] _We! Don't! Care! About your stupid dog! Now if you're gonna be a stick-in-the-mud-about-it, then screw you, Stan, you're goin' home!

**STAN**: _[frowns] _Fine! That's friends for you! And don't you worry about the tortures Sparky might be going through at the moment!

**KYLE**: Aren't you exaggerating a bit? What's the worst that can happen?

* * *

><p><em>[We see Sparky inside a closed crate. He squeales as his surrounding experience some turbulence, thrashing him about from one side to the other. When is settles down, Sparky decides to take a look through the single breathing hole]<em>

**BEARDED ASIAN GUY**: Will that be all the shipments, Vladimir?

**VLADIMIR STOLFSKI**: _[Russian mercenary from "The Snuke"] _Yeah, dat's about eet.

_[The ground starts shaking under Sparky again]_

**VLADIMIR**: Don't touch dat one. Dat's boss' special deleevery.

_[The man approaches the crate and holds it up. Sparky barks as the crate is loaded into a van. There are sounds of barking everywhere and we hear the van take off]_

* * *

><p><em>[Outside Jimbo's house. We see Ned loading his weapons onto the truck and Jimbo standing at the door with his arms folded]<em>

**NED**: Mmm, you sure you don't want to come and just watch, mmm?

**JIMBO**: _[angrily] _Yeah, I'm sure! Just go away already! I am in no way in denial about my want to hunt and my license being taken away and don't want you to take me to the mountains to shoot something up illegally because we are clearly too righteous to do so!

**NED**: _[hesitates for a second]_ Mmmmkay then.

_[Ned enters the car, starts the engine and drives off, leaving Jimbo alone. Stan's uncle sighs and sits down on the footstep outside, resting his head on his palm. He sighs and then we see Wendy walk by. She approaches him cautiously]_

**WENDY**: Mr. Kern? What happened?

**JIMBO**: Wh- _[confused for a second] _Oh, you're Stan's lil' girlfriend, aren't you?

**WENDY**: Ex. Why are you so sad? I mean, I heard what happened, but it can't be that bad. At least the animals in the forest are finally safe...

**JIMBO**: Yeah, that's the problem, gal. You know, after the war ended, huntin' was the... The only thing that would make me fully happy. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing...

**WENDY**: Bad.

**JIMBO**: Oh. _[looks down]_

_[Wendy looks guilty for a second, then seems to have an idea]_

**WENDY**: ...Look, Mr. Kern, are you a religious man?

**JIMBO**: _[looks up, confused] _I like to think so, yeah. Why are you askin'?

**WENDY**: Don't you think that all of this might be happening for a reason?

**JIMBO**: Huh?

**WENDY**: Look, all your life you have been murdering God's innocent creations-

**JIMBO**: Well, I wouldn't go that far-

**WENDY**: God's innocent creations, Mr. Kern! That's the truth! Don't you think your license being taken away might be a punishment from God for that?

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**JIMBO**: Well… I still don't know about that. How d'you even suggest I atone for all the huntin' and killin' I've done?

**WENDY**: _[after a pause]_ ...I know how.

* * *

><p>[We cut to a montage of Jimbo performing various environmentalist tasks to Eric Cartman singing "Make it Right" as he did earlier in the same season. As the music starts playing, we see Wendy and Jimbo carrying over a handful of sheets of paper each over to Jimbo's house. Wendy is grinning all the time, as the song progresses Jimbo also gets into the mood of things]<p>

**CARTMAN**:_  
>I'm gonna make make it right,<br>I'm gonna take a little time and set things straight!_

[We see Jimbo and Wendy drawing at printing out some posters at home]

**CARTMAN**:  
><em>Make make it right,<br>I'm paying for my sins and it sure feels great._

[We cut to the two pinning up the aforementioned posters in the Community Centre and in front of the City Hall]

**CARTMAN**:_  
>Feels so good to be making up for all the things I've done wrong...<br>I know now what the good Lord in heaven wanted from me all along..._

[We see Jimbo and Wendy handing out flyers. Sarah Valmer, walking by, takes one from Jimbo and reads it. It says "SAVE THE TREES! (Don't print out flyers!)". She raises her eyebrow and glances at Jimbo. He gives her a thumbs-up]

**CARTMAN**:_  
>All along!<br>I'm gonna make make it right,  
>Cuz Jesus wants me to have a clean slate.<br>Not fakin' it, I'm makin' it right!  
>Paying for my sins and it sure feels great!<em>

[The Marshes' backyard. Randy is still in his kennel. Jimbo gives him a handful of ecological dog snacks. Randy eats it happily. Wendy pats him on the head and gives Jimbo a high-five. The three grin while Shelly, observing everything from inside the house, pinches the bridge of her nose]

**CARTMAN**:_  
>Make make it right!<br>Make make it right!_

[Kenny sees two pick up random trash from the street while beaming. He raises an eyebrow and glares at Wendy, but walks away]

**CARTMAN**:_  
>Gonna make it right girl, I gotta have your lovin' tonight!<em>

[Jimbo and Wendy start skipping with their trash bags up the street into the sunset. At the end of the song they jump and there is a freeze frame]

**CHORUS**:_  
>Make make it right!<br>Make make it right!_

* * *

><p><em>[The Marshes' kitchen. We see Randy and Marvin eating dinner. Marvin just stares at him having a bowl full of dog food]<em>

**MARVIN**: Howard, isn't this gonna give you explosive diarrhea?

**RANDY**: Don't worry, dad, I know what I'm doing!

_[Randy buries his head in the dog food. Marvin sighs. __We cut to the living room, where we see the Stan come through the front door, irritated]_

**SHARON**: _[approaches her son with her hands behind her back] _Hello, Stanley, what have you been up to?

**STAN**: Oh, nothing, just discovering my friends will always abandon me when I'm in need of help, what about you?

**SHARON**: _[smiles slyly] _Me? Well, I just bumped into a friend of mine and I think you might know him t- AAARGH!

_[Sharon's eyes widen. She shrieks and proceeds to suck on her bitten finger. We see a small dog jumping about and barking behind Sharon. It runs up to Stan]_

**STAN**: Sparky! I've missed you so much! Oh, you've lost your ribbon, I'll get you another one. _[Tries to tie down a pink ribbon to his collar, but the dog bites him instead] _AAAGH! ...Wait a minute! You're not Sparky! He loved his stereotypically gay pink ribbons! _[Fake Sparky runs upstairs, Stan faces his mother]_ Why did you lie to me?

**SHARON**: _[nervously]_ N-naw, come on, don't you recognise your own pet? He's obviously Sparky! Yes, that's it, the same Sparky. Not a completely different one, no. Out of the question. Just ridiculous. _[There is a moment of silence, Stan glares at his mother with his arms folded. Sharon rolls her eyes]_ ...Oh, for crying out loud, Stanley, I just didn't want you moping around because of your dog! Why don't you give the new Sparky a chance, maybe you'll like him?

**SHELLY**: _[from afar] _AAAAARRRGH!

_[There is a moment of silence in the living room]_

**STAN**: Mom, there isn't gonna be a new Sparky! He isn't someone you can replace!

**SHARON**: It's just a dog, Stan! Grow up!

**SHELLY**: He'sh eating my ear! HE'SH EATING MY EAR!

**STAN**: _[glancing upstairs] _Shelly, please! We're trying to have a conversation here!

_[Another pause. Suddenly, we hear a news report introduction music and see the Channel 4 News anchor appear on screen]_

**TOM PUSSILICKER**: And if Hillary Clinton's ass gets any bigger, the government is prepared to raise the security level to lemon curry. In other news, large numbers of dogs have been reported missing in the state of Colorado. Similar piece of news was reported from Alaska, but there seem to be more dogs instead of less. This is just a small hunch, but scientists say these two cases might be connected. But how? _[dramatic pause] _If only we knew... IF ONLY WE KNEW!

_[We cut back to the Marsh living room. Stan looks determined]_

**STAN**: That's it! If I go to Alaska, I'll definitely find Sparky!

**SHARON**: ...Who turned on the TV?

**STAN**: _[to himself] _But I can't go alone... I'd better convince some guys to go with me... I know, I'll use the same method Kyle did in the Canadian War!

**SHARON**: Seriously, there was no real reason for it spontaneously turning itself on, other than it being a convenient plot device!

**STAN**: There's no time to lose! _[runs upstairs]_

**SHELLY**: AAAAGH! _[continues to scream in pain as her mother keeps glaring at the TV set]_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Jimbo becoming concerned with the environment was an idea I or someone else suggested in a SPU forum thread called Manatee Ball. The description of the thread was "Ideas too stupid to make into fics". So naturally, I turned it into a fic.<strong>_

_**This chapter is quite short. Rest assured, when the action actually kicks in, I'll make up for it more than enough. Or do you actually prefer shorter chapters, like this one? If you do, please let me know in the comments!**_

_**God, I hope I did that Russian accent correctly. Vladimir appears in "The Snuke" and dies in the said episode, but that takes place after Season 9! Neat-o, huh? Continuity is the new God in all the fandoms this day and age.**_

_**Just a heads-up, this is the last we're probably gonna see of Kyle and Cartman in this fic. As much as I love their rivalry, I needed a break from them and focusing on Stan and his potential rescue team is the perfect way to do it! ...Well, perfect for me, I guess. I didn't mean to brag, I just wanted you to know that now Stan will be- you know, never mind, you know what I mean. I hope. I certainly don't want to impose any thoughts on you or anything- I should just shut up.**_

_**Thanks a lot for reading and as always – please leave reviews!**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_

_**PS: For those of your who follow my Ask Craig comic on DeviantART, I'll try to do a shitload of pages of 50LoC for tomorrow.**_

_**PPS: Who's excited for the new Gravity Falls episode? I know I am!**_


	3. Stanley's Angels

_**Hey guys, Wensleydale here. Sorry for**__** the delay, I suck hard. **__**Just a heads-up, I won**__**'t be able to post 50LoC until weekend because I need backgrounds from SoT for the next few pages, so instead I'm gonna post another SPA chapter Friday afternoon. Sorry!**_

_**Thank you all for reviewing and enjoy the next chapter!**_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** Rhi Rhi: Do you also talk to your cat like Coyote to his dog? "No Kitty, that's a bad Kitty!" Actually, scratch that, name your cat Connie!**_

_** ConnietheGravityFallsFan: Whoa, do you do a lot of artwork? You mean to say you drew that Shaymin yourself? Kudos! I would love to have you do a title card or something, if you're not too busy!**_

_** Coyote: Thank you for complimenting a song I didn't write! ...Wait, what? The only Jynx I remember is the racist ice Pokemon with great Special Attack.**_

_** John: Criticism appreciated, thanks a lot! You've got a good point there, Jimbo's metamorphosis is a bit too quick, and I could easily avoided it by having him join Wendy reluctantly and change his reaction gradually in the montage (that's what montages are there for, duh!). Call it a reference or blatant stealing, yeah, I took Randy's nickname from you.**_

_** IHMSSM: God, Alaska got taken over by Russia, too? I thought it was just Crimea! I just realised I forgot to watch GF. Right on it after posting the chapter!**_

_** Demonlord5000: I've really got to brush up my knowledge on horror films. Maybe I'd finally get at least half the SPU jokes not related to the actual show...**_

* * *

><p><em>[Carl's warehouse, evening. We see Stan standing on a literal soapbox, the same one the film had, raising an eyebrow (Stan, not the box)]<em>

**STAN**: Wait, that's it? All I've got is the five of you?

_[Opposite to Stan, we see Bebe Stevens, Red Tucker, Heidi Turner, Milly Larsen and Lola Barbrady]_

**LOLA**: _[cheerfully] _Well, yeah! I came for punch and pie!

**BEBE**: He didn't offer any punch and pie, Lola.

**LOLA**: He didn't? Oh. My bad. Hey, nice place you've got there! Do you live here?

**STAN**: _[raises his eyebrow even higher] _...No, it's just an empty warehouse!

**HEIDI**: You've got to be kidding me, Lola, this place is ghastly! I mean, look at this! U-STOR-IT has to start following basic sanitary rules! Why do we have to be here?

**STAN**: _[frowns] _Look, I'm sorry, Heidi, but I kind of couldn't invite you over, because my dad wants to be a dog. Believe me, it's weirder than it sounds.

**HEIDI**: Hmph, I should have known your dad would do such a thing! If you ask me, he's a nuisance to our community!

**STAN**: Heidi-

**HEIDI**: Honestly, has he no sense of shame? This summer he kept stripping down at baseball fields! That was just plain wanton! Not to mention unhygienic.

**STAN**: Heidi-

**HEIDI**: Besides, not so long ago he immorally abused a holy miracle and made it into an excuse for his drinking!

**STAN**: Heidi!

**HEIDI**: What?

**STAN**: I agree completely. But that's beside the point. Let's just focus on why I gathered you here.

**MILLY**: _[nods in agreement] _Dern tootin'.

**RED**: Yeah, do you need our advice on your relationship with Kyle?

**STAN**: ...What.

**RED**: If that's the case, you'd better give up, man. Kyle and Cartman are made for each other.

**STAN**: No, no, no, we're not doing this again!

**BEBE**: Okay, okay, enough, Red! Stan, tell us about your plan.

**LOLA**: Hey, I get it! Stan rhymes with plan! ...And can! ...And pan! ...And an Ama reference joke! ...And-

**STAN**: Shut up, Lola! Okay... I found out my dog has been kidnapped and sent to Alaska, so I was hoping to gather a rescue team...

**LOLA**: _[excitedly] _Ooh! Ooh! I love adventures like that!

**RED**: Yeah, it could be fun!

**BEBE**: I wonder what kind of shoes I should wear...

**HEIDI**: Hmph.

**MILLY**: Ah reckon it wouldn't hurt.

**STAN**: _[after a pause, unsure] _Yeah... Uh, are you sure about that? I mean, you'd be away from school for at least a few days...

**BEBE**: _[smirks] _Not all girls are like Wendy, Stan. We don't mind playing hookey for a while.

**STAN**: Right... Girls... The thing is, I kinda was expecting someone else to turn up, like Jimmy or Craig...

**BEBE**: _[raises an eyebrow] _A guy?

**STAN**: Yeah, that's basically it, yeah.

**MILLY**: _[folds her arms] _Looks like someone's too big fer them britches...

**BEBE**: I agree with your bizarre idiomatic expression, Milly! So because we're girls, we can't go on an adventure with you, huh, Stan? You used to be more open-minded back when you were going out with Wendy!

**STAN**: Don't bring Wendy into this, Bebe! Besides, I have nothing against girls going on adventures, it's not like I'm sexist or anything, I just meant… you're THE GIRLS. A completely different social group I'm used to hanging out with! I just figured it'd be kinda weird with you guys!

**LOLA**: Hey!

_[There is a pause. Everyone stares at Lola]_

**BEBE**: ...What?

**LOLA**: I'm sensing you're arguing!

**STAN**: ...Yeah. Well done, Lola.

**BEBE**: _[a bit more calm than before] _Look, Stan, we're more than just a group. It's not like we contacted one another and decided to go here through a majority vote, each of us came here individually. I was also surprised there isn't any guy here, but what does it matter? There's gotta be some way our groups can interact without resorting to Butters crossdressing at Heidi's place.

**HEIDI**: _[piping in] _Don't even remind me!

**BEBE**: In any case, you wanted help, right? So stop being a butthole and accept OUR help!

**STAN**: Look, you don't need to force yourselves to-

**BEBE**: Are you deaf? We WANT to help! And this is not the only time! I'd like to be a marine biologist when I'm older. When I heard you had some trouble with a whale two weeks ago I wanted to join your team.

**STAN**: ...So why didn't you? I can't recall anyone stopping you.

**BEBE**: Oh, we had a row with Clyde back then.

**STAN**: Wait, aren't you together again?

**BEBE**: _[shrugs] _Eh, it died down pretty quickly.

**STAN**: ...I see. Okay, fine, fine, if you wanna come, that's fine, just don't blame me when something goes wrong.

**RED**: Shouldn't that be "if anything goes wrong"?

**STAN**: Nope. Believe me, it never is.

**BEBE**: _[enthusiastically] _All right, we're going on an adventure!

**HEIDI**: That was totally unnecessary, Bebe.

**BEBE**: Oh, quit being such a buzzkill, Heids. I couldn't help myself.

**LOLA**: Oh, that's bad, isn't it? Because if you can't help yourself, you can't help others, and if you can't help others, you can't help polypropylene salmon!

_[There is a moment of silence. We see Bebe raising an eyebrow and silently mouthing "polypropylene salmon"]_

**STAN**: _[pinches the bridge of his nose]_ ...Jesus Christ, and I thought my friends were weird...

* * *

><p><em>[The Marsh residence, Shelly's room. We see her sitting at the desk, writing something down in her notebook. Randy walks inside]<em>

**RANDY**: Hey, Shelly, Shelly!

**SHELLY**: Go away, dad!

**RANDY**: How's your ear injury?

**SHELLY**: What do you think? I'm in pain! I have shtichshesh!

**RANDY**: You what?

**SHELLY**: I have shtichshesh!

**RANDY**: Huh?

**SHELLY**: SHTICHSHESH!

**RANDY**: Oh, stitches! Well, as expected of my little girl! I always knew you were strong!

**SHELLY**: Shtrong my ashh! Fuck off, dad!

**RANDY**: Listen, Shell, I think I'm close to finding Sparky, but I'm gonna need one thing…

**SHELLY**: _[raises her eyebrow] _What?

**RANDY**: …I need you to play catch with me.

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**SHELLY**: _[pinches the bridge of her nose] _No, no, no, we're not doing that.

**RANDY**: Now, Shelly. Shelly. We all need to do our part to find our family member. Mom already tried buying a new one.

**SHELLY**: Who bit my ear off!

**RANDY**: Shelly, let's not split hairs- I mean, ears- No, I actually meant hairs! You'll have to trust me on this one.

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to the Marshes' backyard. We see Shelly actually playing catch with Randy. She throws a rubber bone a few feet away from Randy and he brings it back to her again. She rolls her eyes and throws it back with annoyance. Her father picks it up with his teeth]<em>

**RANDY**: Mmrphfff!

**SHELLY**: Huh?

**RANDY**: _[spits up the bone] _It's no good, Shelly! You gotta put more force into it! Make it a challenge for me!

_[Shelly grits her teeth and throws it over the tall fence to Walter Darling's backyard]_

**SHELLY**: There! Now you can't bother me about your shtupid obshheshion!

_[Shelly angrily rushes inside the house and slams the door. Randy scratches his head with his "paw"]_

**RANDY**: ...Well, that's a bummer.

* * *

><p><em>[Outside Jimbo's house. Sharon approaches the door and rings the bell. Jimbo appears in the doorway in a white robe and a flower necklace. He smiles enthusiastically through his thick stubble]<em>

**JIMBO**: Hi, Sharon!

**SHARON**: Hi... Jimbo? What... what happened to you?

**JIMBO**: Come on in! We're just plannin' a campaign to save the forest with Wendy!

**SHARON**: What? Who?

_[She enters the living room only to find Wendy among various pieces of paper, just in the process of putting the phone down]_

**JIMBO**: Surprised, huh? I decided to turn my life around! Now I know that I have been a threat to the environment, but Wendy here helped me to see the light!

**SHARON**: _[blinks in disbelief] _Uh... Right...

**JIMBO**: You wanted to ask me about something?

**SHARON**: Oh! Right... I'm having some trouble with your brother again. Tell me, what would you do if Randy moved out and decided to live in a kennel?

**JIMBO**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Why would he do that?

**SHARON**: He wants to become a dog.

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**JIMBO**: Oh, that makes sense.

**SHARON**: I know he's done some crazy things before, but... Just tell me what to do with him.

_[Jimbo and Wendy glance at one another]_

**WENDY**: You know, Mrs. Marsh, that means your husband wants to be close to nature. It's a good sign, isn't that right, Mr. Kern?

**JIMBO**: That's right, Wendy. We need to fight the machine that's killin' our environment! I mean, it's coming right for us!

**SHARON**: _[after a moment of silence] _Oh... Kay... Jimbo, can I talk to you for a second here?

_[They go to the hall]_

**SHARON**: _[in a semi-whisper] _All right, Jimbo, I know you're supposed to support your family and keep its secrets, but what are you doing alone with Stan's ex-girlfriend?

**JIMBO**: What do you mean? We're plannin' a campaign to save the forest.

**SHARON**: Uh-huh... "Planning a campaign"... "Forest"... _[raises an eyebrow and starts to whisper even more quietly] _Jimbo, maybe it's none of my business, but isn't she a tad too young? In fact, I think it may be illegal! She's only ten!

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**JIMBO**: _[glares] _Oh, I see what you're thinkin'! Just because she's ten, you think she can't voice her own opinion! Well, unlike you, she cares about what's going on around her, so we're gonna continue trying to save the environment and if you don't like it, then peace the hell out of here!

_[Jimbo opens the front door and pushes Sharon out]_

**SHARON**: You know, I don't think you're using that phrase correctly...

**JIMBO**: Peace off! _[slams the door]_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Another SPA fic, another unlikely team-up! Let's see if wacky hijinks ensue! ...Heheh, I said Sue!<strong>_

_**Continuing the trend of Season 9 establishing the girls' personalities and quirks, I figured this could be a good opportunity to throw in some of the girls we haven't properly established last time. Red, Heidi and Milly didn't stand out very much in ALoL, Bebe never has enough screentime and I just threw in Lola for good measure and for a few random laughs.**_

_**I've just noticed, that's another chapter a bit on the shorter side… It gets longer as we get to the end, but I had to space the text like this so that no plotline gets abandoned… So the fic is kinda badly-paced so that it seems well-paced. Make of that what you will.**_

_**I would make it a longer note, but there's GF to watch! I hope you liked what you've seen so far, thank you all for reading and please leave reviews if the time allows. I hope you have a great week.**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


	4. Road to Sparky

_**Hey, guys, Wensleydale here. Again, a day late. Damm**__**it. Next week, SPA's most likely going to be on Wednesday and after that, Monday and back to the usual schedule. **_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** Coyote: Clyde/Bebe is actually on again, as she confirmed in the last chapter! They break up and come back together on a regular basis, which is something a healthy relationship totally needs, right? ...Right?**_

_** Rhi Rhi: I do like myself a Randy & Shelly moment not resulting in him killing her boyfriend. Actually, Randy killing Shelly's boyfriends every time they interact would be a hilarious running gag!**_

_** Demonlord5000: You're right, I am an idiot. And just the month Littlekuriboh started doing let's plays of it. And, well, only the girls showed up because it's a coincidence. Five kids from Stan's class appeared and they just happened to be girls, I guess.**_

_** John: Yeeeah, no matter what I do, the main plot always has to start in chapter 3, doesn't it? I'm going to hell for writing paedophilia jokes. And not being Mormon. The former was worth it, though.**_

_** IHMSSM: Someone here needs to have a good listen to Yakko's World, doesn't he? I wouldn't risk that, though. If you watch too much of the Warner Brothers, Romper Stomper and his buddies from the juvie are gonna fucking kill you!**_

_**Thank you all for your feedback and enjoy the next chapter!**_

* * *

><p><em>[The Marshes' backyard. We see Randy trying to dig his way to Walter's garden with his legs. His neighbour looks over the wooden fence and raises an eyebrow]<em>

**WALTER**: Randy, what on earth are you doing?

**RANDY**: Oh, Darling!

**WALTER**: Don't call me Darling!

**RANDY**: Would you mind throwing me my chew toy back?

**WALTER**: You mean this thing? _[picks it up] _Why didn't you just come over instead of bathing in dirt like the lowlife that you are?

**RANDY**: You don't understand, Darling! I gotta do it like a dog would!

**WALTER**: You're… trying to become a dog?

**RANDY**: Shut up, Darling, you wouldn't understand!

**WALTER**: On the contrary, I understand perfectly! Every man has his call to wilderness every once in a while and it's only natural to succumb to those leanings. The problem is, you're not doing it right!

**RANDY**: I'm not?

**WALTER**: Of course not! First of all, you talk too much instead of barking! If you want to understand a dog's mind, you have to completely behave like one! Starting from taking your clothes off!

**RANDY**: Oh. I guess they don't normally wear clothes.

**WALTER**: Here, I'll show you! You've got a lot to learn, Randy.

_[As they both undress themselves, we cut to the next scene]_

* * *

><p><em>[The Marsh living room. We see Stan and his Sparky rescue team gathered round the table]<em>

**BEBE**: So let me get this straight. You think your dog's been sent to Alaska?

**STAN**: Yeah. You heard the news, it can't be a coincidence.

**LOLA**: _[enthusiastically] _Okay then, let's go there!

**HEIDI**: Hold up, what do we do then? Alaska's huge!

**LOLA**: Okay then, let's stay!

**STAN**: Dude, it's the only clue we have so far.

**LOLA**: Then let's go!

**MILLY**: Maybe we should be lookin' fer more clues roun' here before goin' so far away.

**LOLA**: Let's stay, then! _[Red, nudges her, a tankōbon volume of One Piece in her hand]_

**BEBE**: Let's back up a little, okay?

_[Lola stands up, takes a step back and falls off the couch]_

**BEBE**: ...Right. When did you last see Sparky?

**STAN**: It was just last morning, when I went to the mall with the guys... I think mom said he ran after us. But what's that got to do with-

**BEBE**: Wait, so you don't know where you lost him?

**STAN**: Not the particular moment, no. I thought he stayed at home. Why do we need this information? We already know the basic area where he might be.

**BEBE**: You know, we might find out if he went on his own or if... _[theatrically]_ someone took him!

**RED**: You think he was kidnapped?

**BEBE**: _[scratches her chin, getting into the detective mood] _We cannot rule out this possibility, my dear Rebecca!

**STAN**: _[folds his arms] _And exactly how do you suggest we find out about that without going to Alaska?

**LOLA**: Oooh! Oooh! I know! I know!

**HEIDI**: _[rolls her eyes] _Oh, what this time? You think we should collect twenty radishes and shove them into an oboe?

**LOLA**: Naw, that'd just be crazy! I was thinking we'd ask my uncle to see the street monitoring recordings and see where your dog went! If we're lucky, you might recognize someone and ask them!

**RED**:...That's actually a pretty good idea.

**BEBE**: So, what are we waiting for? Let's go to Barbrady!

**STAN**: Uh, wait, could you guys hold up? I'll ask my mom for some food while we're here.

_[He starts heading to the kitchen, but Randy appears, crouching while naked as earlier, with only a collar around his neck. He drops a fish from his mouth on the floor]_

**RANDY**: Hey, Stan, could you tell mom to fry this fish some more? It's getting cold.

_[There is a moment of silence. Stan turns around]_

**STAN**: You know, on second thoughts let's go now.

* * *

><p><em>[The woods nearby the volcano. We see Jimbo chained to a pine tree and Wendy sitting on one of the branches. Opposite to them, we see a group of lumberjacks, led by Darryl Weathers and Mayor McDaniels who seems to have recently arrived]<em>

**JIMBO**: Clear off, ya mindless barbarians!

**DARRYL**: Mayor, this fella is on the verge of takin' our jerbs!

**THOMAS TUCKER**: Takin' ur jerbs!

**MAYOR**: _[using the megaphone, with a clearly irritated voice]_ Okay, Jimbo, please clear the area! Don't bother the workers!

**JIMBO**: Never! I will protect these trees until the very end!

**WENDY**: That's right! Don't you know that trees produce oxygen necessary for human life to exist, whereas...

_[While she gives her lecture to the workers, the mayor gives the sign and start the engines. The lumberjacks shrug and drive their vehicles through the forest and rapidly cut down all the trees except the one occupied by Jimbo and Wendy]_

**WENDY**: _[opening her eyes again when the sounds of the engines die down] _And that's exactly why the woods shouldn't be cut down.

_[Wendy looks around her. There is a moment of silence]_

**WENDY**: ...Oh, shit.

* * *

><p><em>[The South Park police station. We see the Stan, Red and Bebe in front of a computer screen and Barbrady behind them]<em>

**BARBRADY**: I don't know what you kids wanna find here, there's nothing to see here!

**STAN**: Yeah, whatever you say, Buttbaby. Anything interesting, Bebe?

**BEBE**: Well, actually, yeah. I saw Patty Nelson walking down with the same shoes as me. She has always tried to imitate my sense of fashion, but this just doesn't suit-

**STAN**: Anything related! Please!

**RED**: Try Stan's house, yesterday morning.

**BEBE**: Okay, that also works... Avenue des los Mexicanos, westernmost side... Hey, here it is! Nine o'clock, right? Look at this!

_[We cut to the slightly distorted screen. We see the boys entering and leaving the Marsh residence and after that, Sparky running out and being thrown into a sack by the kidnapper. We get a good enough glimpse of him to notice that he's a young, somewhat good-looking asian male wearing a Russian furry hat]_

**RED**: There! Rewind and pause!

**STAN**: He actually WAS kidnapped?

**RED**: By a Japanese guy?

**STAN**: _[raises an eyebrow]_ How do you know he's Japanese?

**RED**: Oh, trust me, I can tell. And he's pretty cute, too. Just look at these dimples...

**STAN**: _[while Red takes a picture of the screen and walks out of the room] _Never mind about that! Let's see where he went! He must've gone either to the forest or to Bonanza Street, check the other cameras!

**BEBE**: _[puts a hand over his shoulder] _Wait. We don't need to.

**STAN**: What do you mean? The entire purpose of this is to find out who took Sparky, we have to catch him!

**BEBE**: That's what I'm saying. Look.

_[Bebe points at Red, who has already managed to walk outside the building. She seems to be on the phone with somebody]_

**STAN**: ...What's she doing?

**BEBE**: You know, they say there are legends about a nine-year-old girl who attends all anime conventions... Apart from this and excelling in every bit of knowledge about yaoi and slash doujinshi... she gained fame by being a perfect stalker.

**STAN**: Huh?

**BEBE**: Out of thousands of fangirls accross the globe, she is the one who successfully managed to stalk all asian men in the world. They say nothing can stop her, whether it's distance, natural conditions or force. Using all her means, the incredible army of her otaku allies and sheer determination, she will hunt down pretty asians... And then gush over them for no adequately explained reason. And that girl... is Red Tucker.

_[There is a moment of silence while Stan and Bebe stare at Red steal some kid's bicycle and then ride it quickly across the street]_

**STAN**: That's... kinda sick.

**BEBE**: I know, right?

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Randy, Walter, Stuart McCormick and Gerald Broflovski barking and running around the town on their hands and knees, naked (albeit with collars around their necks). They come across Stephen Stotch, who is seen walking home with a newspaper in his hand]<em>

**STEPHEN**: Randy? Gerald? Fellas? What are you up to?

**GERALD**: You have to try this, Chris! Randy showed us an amazing way to let out your stress! All you have to do is listen to your true call of nature!

**STEPHEN**: Wait… You mean you all like to be naked in other men's company? And you completely embrace it?

**STUART**: Yeah, why wouldn't we? It's only natural!

**RANDY**: So, what d'ya say, Chris? Wanna join us?

**STEPHEN**: Huh… Well… If everybody's doing it… I think I could get into it!

**WALTER**: He's one of us!

_[Stephen undresses himself and the entire "pack" howls in unison]_

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Seattle, Washington. It is obviously raining (because why not?). We see a sign with "Seattle – We like to pretend we're still a small town!" written on it. Stan, Bebe, Lola, Milly and Heidi get off the bus. The station they're in is right next to a port]<em>

**STAN**: You sure Red called you from here? How is it even possible she got here on a fucking bicycle?

**BEBE**: Oh, she'd manage. You'd better believe it.

**RED**: _[from afar] _Hey, guys!

**STAN**: Oh, that was convenient...

**LOLA**: Oooh! Hey! Did you find the turkey?

**RED**: Uh... No, aren't we looking for a dog?

**LOLA**: Whatcha mean, "shrew?" Don't be silly!

**RED**: _[confused for a second] _Wha- Anyway, I managed to hunt the guy until here, but the smell ends right at this footprint.

**STAN**: All right, that's something- Wait, you smelled him out?

**HEIDI**: Well, good work for once, Red. Thank the Lord we have such a fetishist in our team!

**RED**: _[gives her a thumbs-up] _Always glad to help!

**MILLY**: There's just one problem, fellas, this here footprint don't tell us anythin' if it's solitary. We still don't know where to go.

**HEIDI**: Milly's right! I'll give it to you, although you're simple and uneducated, your redneck wisdom sometimes shines through.

**MILLY**: _[frowns]_ ...Hahdee, Ah have better grades than you.

**STAN**: Right... Maybe let's all take pics of that, then look around for similar ones, everyone.

**BEBE**: You don't have to. I know exactly what this is.

**RED**: Huh?

**BEBE**: _[kneeling beside the footprint] _Regular, but sharp shape of the soles, also stiff shanks. The insoles were probably uneven, which is why the front part of the footprint is more clear. These are Dewford Hiking Boots, most likely the steel-toed variety. Shoes produced in a company called ShuzyQ, located in Suite C of 737 West Avenue in Anchorage, Alaska!

_[Lola starts clapping, but when she sees no-one else is, she stops]_

**STAN**: Wow... So now we know that we have to go to Alaska... Which is completely different from what we've known before. Impressive.

**BEBE**: _[not quite getting Stan's sarcasm]_ Yeah! You should know that nobody likes shoes more than me!

**LOLA**: That's true, y'know? I like Bebe more than shoes!

**STAN**: Wh-

**BEBE**: No, no, I didn't mean it that way! I meant I'm the biggest shoe lover!

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**RED**: _[half-whispers, to Heidi] _And you call me a fetishist...

**BEBE**: NOT THAT WAY!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Does Red this chapter seem a little too over-the-top to you? Well, her gimmick is actually based on a real-life girl I met at a convention and a bloke I knew went out with for a while. Apparently, during one of their dates, she noticed a couple of Asian tourists and proceeded to stalk them during the whole evening and force my friend to accompany her. Hey, if that's not makings of a South Park character, I don't know what is!<strong>_

_**Ah, haven't had Darling in a major role since "People Spouting Howdy Neighbour". If you're new to SPA and wondering who the bloody OC is, go read that story. All I can tell you is he's Fiona's very, very English dad.**_

_**Lola's hammy inecisive bit is actually a reference to One Piece. At a certain point early on the main character was wondering whether a certain antagonist was bad or not and kept thinking one way or the other… Out loud. Also, Red's reading One Piece. She may be a slasher, but at least she's got good taste! *cough* Go read One Piece *cough***_

_**As for Gravity Falls, although I was hyped up as hell, they delivered beautifully. I love this show now. John, thanks a ton for introducing me to it! ...Although considering the trend of you hating stuff I'm just starting to like, you probably detest the show at this point.**_

_**Thanks for reading and please leave reviews if your fingers are in the state to type at all. I don't want you to hurt yourself trying to give me feedback. I CARE ABOUT YOU!**_

_**...Yeah, that's gonna do it, bye!**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


	5. Sparky Gets an Anal Probe?

_**Hey, guys, Wensleydale here. Thank you for sticking with me all this ti**__**me and enjoy the next chapter!**_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** Rhi Rhi: I thought you might like the Barbrady part. I feel like I should flesh him out more. On the other hand, he did have episodes devoted to himself, soooo...**_

_** Coyote: Sorry to hear about your situation. Wait, so the fact that I'm posting on Saturday is preventing you from reviewing a couple of days later…? I don't get it.**_

_** John: I've corrected Chapter 2 basing on your suggestions. Bebe might be exaggerating a bit, but I do admit I like to go a little over-the-top when constructing my characters. Improbable quirks and uniqueness come first, humanity and relatability arrive later on (despite being equally important). I don't know if it's a bad trait for a comedy writer or not.**_

_** Demonlord5000: Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum!**_

_**I'm Lola Bar-bra-dy  
>And I am proud to be<br>Right back in South Park Aargh  
>With my friend, Mr. T!<strong>_

_**There's old friends and new friends and even a Sue!  
>How is that related? I just have no clue!<strong>_

_**I'm bringing ran-dom back  
>Now everywhere I go!<br>You can screw Wen-sley-dale,  
>This is The Lola Show!<strong>_

_**Does it have the same ring to it? I can't tell.**_

_** ConnietheI'mrunningoutofideas: Sure, now that I've finally found your profile I'll finally be able to take a look at your stuff! I'll PM you as soon as time allows me.**_

* * *

><p><em>[We see a plane take off from the Seattle airport. Stan looks out of the window and sighs, while Lola's mouth in the next window forms a giant "o" in awe. We cut to the inside of the plane, where some rows more at the front of the plane we see a Japanese father and son taking pictures of the faraway ground with their cameras. Behind them, we see Red reaching out her camera above them and taking some pictures of them herself. Heidi, sitting right next to her, raises her eyebrow. We cut back to Stan, still in a skeptical mood]<em>

**BEBE**: _[sitting right next to him] _Oh, cheer up, Stan. We'll get them soon enough. We're bound to catch up by plane as long as they're travelling by ship...

**STAN**: It's not that, it's just... We've basically accomplished nothing. Thanks to Heidi's aunt we could fly to Anchorage, but what next? We've got no plan!

**BEBE**: Come on, it's not all that bad. If we wait in the port for the same guy, we'll be sure to find where he took Sparky.

**STAN**: You know, this relies on way too many coincidences... Urgh, I should've just gone by myself...

**BEBE**: _[glares] _Well, thanks a lot. We're sacrificing a lot of time by aiding you on this trip and all you do is complain. You have no consideration for other people's feelings! This is exactly the reason why Wendy left you!

**STAN**: _[rolls his eyes] _Goddammit, we're not starting this again, are we?

**BEBE**: See? You're insensitive! And that's only the tip of the iceberg!

**STAN**: _[pinches the bridge of his nose] _I don't care.

**BEBE**: That's right! You never know the right moment when to care and think it's the answer to everything! You say you hate your family and yet you keep talking about them! Moreover, you always have to be the center of the attention!

* * *

><p><em>[We briefly cut to the Turner residence, where we see Jason and Powder doing homework together. Jason suddenly stops moving]<em>

**POWDER**: What's the matter?

**JASON**: Nothing... I just got a feeling someone was talking about me...

* * *

><p><em>[Meanwhile, back in the plane]<em>

**BEBE**: I mean, really! During your relationship was there ever a point where you said something nice to Wendy?

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**STAN**: ...Maybe? Look, enough about Wendy! With all due respect, I won't take advice from someone who wanted my best friend only for his buttcheeks.

**BEBE**: Oh, no, we're not changing the subject! Speaking of, you could at least have complimented her buttcheeks!

**STAN**: I'm... pretty sure she wouldn't take it as a comp-

**MILLY**: _[from behind, interrupting]_ Fellas! Come here, y'all!

**STAN**: ...We're right in front of you, Milly.

**MILLY**: Figure of speech, never mind about that! You'uns have to help me! Lola's gone off to the wing!

**STAN**: ...What the hell does that even mean?

**MILLY**: Well, ye know! She's gone off to the wing!

**BEBE**: You have to tone down your redneck sayings if you want us to understand you, you know?

**MILLY**: Naw, Ahm sayin' she's literally gone off to the wing!

**HEIDI**: I hate it when people use the word "literally" and don't know what it means...

**MILLY**: Ah know what it means, Ah just- Oh, just look to y'all's left!

_[The other four turn their heads, only to see Lola almost flying through the air while holding the wing of the plane with all her might and grinning, her cheeks flapping back and forth like a sail. She seems to be affected by neither the low temperature, nor the incredible pressure. We cut back to the plane, where all the others are staring through the window open-mouthed]_

**STAN**: Oh. That happened.

* * *

><p><em>[We now cut to Wendy strolling back home. Suddenly, Kenny blocks her way]<em>

**WENDY**: Oh. Kenny, hi. Excuse me.

_[She tries to go past him, but he prevents that from happening]_

**WENDY**: Hey, what the hell is your problem?

**KENNY**: (Dude, what the hell? What are you doing to uncle Jimbo?)

**WENDY**: What?

**KENNY**: (You're changing him! You turned him from a masculine hunter to a vegan pussy treehugger! What you're doing is wrong!)

**WENDY**: Kenny, calm down! It was his own choice-

**KENNY**: (Bullshit! You're manipulating him, just like you used to manipulate Stan!

**WENDY**: I never manipulated Stan!

**KENNY**: (Oh, yeah? Maybe you'll tell me he started wearing tight pants on his own?)

**WENDY**: ...That's different! Look, Kenny, let's not be childish. He's the same Jimbo you used to know, he just cares more about the environment!

**KENNY**: (Again, bullshit! The old Jimbo would shoot bunnies up without a second glance! That's the Jimbo we all know and love! I know there's still a real hunter within him and I won't rest until I turn him back!

**WENDY**: Oh, no, you don't I worked hard to convince him to quit that life! We even had a montage and everything!

**KENNY**: (So you did manipulate him!)

**WENDY**: I didn't! And you won't persuade him, he's a permanent environmentalist now!

**KENNY**: (You wanna bet?)

**WENDY**: Oh, please, I'd bet all my savings on Jimbo's conversion!

**KENNY**: (So would I on his true nature!)

**WENDY**: Fine!

_[Beat]_

**WENDY**: ...So, ten bucks?

**KENNY**: (Okay.)

* * *

><p><em>[The Anchorage port. We see shots of Stan's rescue team standing and freezing in separate spots in the area. Stan approaches Bebe, Milly following him]<em>

**STAN**: So. We'll be sure to catch him, huh?

**BEBE**: Oh, shut up.

_[They remain in silence for a while. Milly tries to break the tension, unsure]_

**MILLY**: So… Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra in January, ain't it?

_[Another awkward pause]_

**MILLY**: ...Uh, Ah used to have a pet rabbit for a lil' while. He was a right ornery one, though. Always would run away from me.

**BEBE**: Well, duh, animals do that when they don't know you, right? That's nothing out of the ordinary.

**STAN**: Actually… Sparky and I became friends right away. As did Kyle's elephant when we met him.

**BEBE**: Oh, come on, that's just impossible! We're talking about a pet imported from Africa. I could imagine he'd be just traumatized.

**STAN**: I don't know how it happened, either. Maybe I'm just that good with animals.

**RED**: _[joining them along with Lola and Heidi from the opposite side] _Hey, guys, remember how you told us to stay in one place and try to spot the cute Asian guy?

**BEBE**: Yeah?

**RED**: Well, I didn't do it. Instead, I asked people round this place if they had seen him. I showed this guy the picture and he seemed excited about something.

**STAN**: Who?

**RED**: Him.

_[She points at an elderly man in an overall]_

**RED**: We think he's a shipyard worker or something.

**BEBE**: You think?

**HEIDI**: None of us can understand a word he says. Except for Lola, who says she can understand him telepathically.

**LOLA**: _[trying to unscrew her skull with her index fingers]_ I AM A SORCERER!

**BEBE**: Oh, come on, it can't be as bad as all that.

**WORKER**: _[a bunch of unintelligible gibberish] _Thertfrellerwrrsswrtharrrwreeee!

**STAN**: ...Yeah, see what you mean.

**BEBE**: _[faces Milly with a serious look on her face] _Milly. This is your chance to shine. You'll have to use your redneck language and find out where the kidnapper went.

**MILLY**: _[frowns] _Really, do y'all see me as just a redneck? Ah mean, you have been mah friend fer all this time and that's all you know about me?

**HEIDI**: Heavens above, Milly, there's no time! Just translate what this man says!

**MILLY**: You know, Ah go to drama classes. Ah have other interests. And all y'all do is associate me with the most superficial stereotypes. Y'all don't treat me with a dern lick of respect!

**STAN**: Milly, stop being an asshole and help us out.

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**MILLY**: _[turns around and approaches the worker] _...Goddammit.

* * *

><p><em>[We see Randy's pack of naked men chasing a cat (on all fours, naturally) in the neighbourhood]<em>

**RANDY**: There it is, guys! Get him!

_[The others bark and howl. Sharon, shoveling the snow outside the Marsh residence, glances at her husband]_

**RANDY**: Oh, hey, Sharon! Can't talk right now, chasing cats! I just became the leader of the pack, but Darling's constantly undermining my efforts! He doesn't know I buried his favourite bone next to Tom's Rhinoplasty, though!

**SHARON**: Sooo… Any sign of Sparky yet?

**RANDY**: Who? Oh, right, nah, nothing! Gotta get back to being a dog!

**SHARON**: _[sighs] _Sure. Whatever you feel like.

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to a familiar van entering a warehouse. An elderly, near-bald man with poofy hair in a labcoat (the man, not the hair) approaches the truck. Faithful watchers of the show will notice he's Dr. Vosknocker from "South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut". Vladimir meets him halfway through]<em>

**VOSKNOCKER**: Great job! Now, unload them, quickly! Take half straight to the laboratory!

**BEARDED ASIAN GUY**: _[from the truck]_ Including boss' special delivery?

**VOSKNOCKER**: Obviously!

**VLADIMIR**: What about de revard?

**VOSKNOCKER**: That doesn't concern me in the slightest, to be frank! Ask the boss, if you dare!

**VLADIMIR**: Yorr a clever man, Doctor Vosknocker... You know as much as I do everybody fears de boss... Just remember... I can turn heem against you just as easily as you can against me.

**VOSKNOCKER**: _[without looking away] _I'm glad we both understand that, chap.

_[We cut to the rescue team members, hidden behind a row of crates]_

**STAN**: Well, that was convenient.

**BEBE**: I wonder what this boss guy is like. Sounds ridiculously powerful from what they're saying.

**STAN**: Okay, this is what we're gonna do. Sparky's gotta be in one of these crates. We still don't know whether he's this "special delivery" this guy was talking about, but we can't afford to take any chances. Heidi, you're in charge here, try to check if he's in here or not. Try to stop Lola from doing anything stupid and let me know if we're in danger.

**HEIDI**: _[rolls her eyes] _Urgh.

**STAN**: I'll take it as "roger". Me, Bebe, Milly and Red are gonna try getting into the lab.

**BEBE**: Good luck, you guys!

**LOLA**: Ooh! Ooh! I'll send you a telepathic message if anything goes wrong!

**STAN**: Yeah, let's hope it won't have to come to that.

* * *

><p><em>[We see the four children sneaking along the underground tunnel and approaching a safety door]<em>

**MILLY**: Ah think the crates were carried here.

**STAN**: _[rolls his eyes] _Thanks, we wouldn't have noticed, being right behind you and all. Okay, we're going in!

**BEBE**: _[looking in another direction]_ Sure, but why's Bill Allen here?

**STAN, RED and MILLY**: What?

_[We indeed see Bill Allen in the corridor, talking with someone on the phone with his eyes averted. We again cut to the four kids hiding behind the corner]_

**RED**: What's he doing?

**BEBE**: I dunno, but I intend to find out! _[leaves the hiding place and approaches the boy]_

**STAN**: _[tries to stop her, but fails]_ No, no, wait! Goddammit… _[to the rest] _Okay, you two go in, we'll catch up, all right?

_[The two nod and Stan goes after Bebe, who has already somewhat pinned the panicking Bill to the wall through sheer force of will… or possibly just surprise]_

**BEBE**: Hey… So, Bill, we were just walking by and couldn't help but notice you're in some kind of a criminal base. Now, you could just tell us what's going on and why you're here, or we could do… something extreme. Like tell on you.

**BILL**: _[laughing nervously] _Uhuhuhuh… Gay?

**BEBE**: _[glancing briefly at Stan] _I thought he was, but he proved otherwise. Now tell us everything!

**STAN**: Dude, Bebe! We need to keep quiet!

**BEBE**: Oh, just relax, what are they gonna do-

_[She pauses, realising there is a tranquiliser dart in the side of her neck. When she falls down with a thud, we see another one shot at Stan, who quickly follows the blonde in the realm of Morpheus. The screen abruptly fades to black]_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Heidi's aunt is a pilot. I could not fit that anywhere without it just seeming like needless exposition, so let's count that as trivia. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry I can't leave a longer commentary, I'm really sleepy today.<strong>_

_**Anyway, thank you all for reading, all your support and if you want, why don't you leave a review?**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


End file.
